Failure. I’ve failed to get humous, pre-emptive strikes, and Welsh people into this years English exam. The only things I have been able to introduce so far are the appearances of me as David Beckham and Ono-sensei as Ken Watanabe. Plus the unlikely appearance of Elvis Presley at an airport check-in counter.

My plans are growing for Shonan though, growing beyond my wildest imaginations. I’m setting up a pen-friend scheme, and decided to look up my old school on the internet. I was greeted by an extremely shiny website for King Edward VI Camp Hill School for Boys. I was pleased to learn Mr. Southworth is still there, and we won the Sunday Times “best school in the UK for 2006” award. Jolly good chaps. As an “Old Boy” (I prefer “Camphillian”) I emailed them, asking what they thought about such a scheme. I’m not sure KEVICHSFB is really suited to Shonan High though. And I’m not sure if the school will like the idea anyway. But it’s worth it just to see if Mr. Jack is still prowling the Sixth Form block, and Mr. Hill still supporting the Blues. The website reminded me of the unashamed pompousness of Camp Hill; I half expected to be able to download an audio file of the school song, replete with the lyrics “forward where the knocks are hardest” (who’d want to go there??).

If that fails maybe I’ll just “invent” an English school, and reply to the students pen-letters myself. Only kidding.

The more I take initiative however the more likely it is Ono-sensei appoints me King of the World, or at least Head of English. I fear I may be fighting a losing battle though, as I can’t even understand what goes on in the staff meeting every day. Still, as the Japanese say, ganbatte kudasai…